Weird, silly, funny, black humour, satirical poems by Alex Frankel
Ode to Immodium|
The Doctor’s Sense of Humour
Kids are Cruel
The Poet’s Fear of Criticism
The Bogey on My Keyboard
My Darling Won’t Have Her Fish Fingers
The Smug, The Sad and The Severe
The Danger of Ill-considered Birthday Presents
McDonald’s Only Serve Sausage and Egg McMuffins Up Until Half Past Ten
Why I Gamble
Elvis in Middle-Earth
Student is Disturbed at Midnight|
City Gentleman Feels Sympathy for His Old Friend (1)
City Gentleman Feels Sympathy for His Old Friend (2)
While Commuting By Car
Big Nose Congo Adventure
Organ Donor Highwayman
The Man at Work
No-one Wants to Know You When You’re Mad
Hangover on The Telephone
The Changing Face of Rebellion
BMI Battle (Cunning Ways to Lose Weight -
Onion Bhaji Argy-
The Death of Derek the Desk Tidier
Cyclops in Art Shop
21st Century Grand Old Man Of Letters
The Smug Professional
A Narrow Escape in the Coffee Shop
When I was Racist
Grand Openings I: When McDonald's Invaded Russia
Grand Openings II: A Brush with Royalty
Philosophical Stationery Poem
After the Operation
Too Many Obituaries
The Day My Bicycle Wasn't Stolen
The Court of Social Media
Bowel Trouble - The Sequel
The Toilets at Paddington Station
Proper and Improper Poetry:
A collection of funny, satirical, silly, weird, black humour poems by
contemporary UK human being Alex Frankel. In many cases the poems are accompanied by childish pictures (Ed. Art, surely?). The selection here is updated from time to time in accordance with the poet’s own mood, his interpretation of the current mood of humanity, to spur search engines into action or for no good reason. Please don't send me your poems - I don't like poetry very much. If you like these poems please do share them with your friends, pets and English teachers.
'The Status Report', containing 49 mainly humorous poems and a few
strange pictures, was published some time back and is probably still available
first or second hand from Amazon (and their minions) or Abebooks.
But the environmentalists amongst us can just read it here (4MB pdf):
Once purchased, it is very important that the book is kept close to a toilet.
What People Have Said And Subsequently Denied That They Have Said About
‘The Status Report’:
'Local poetry which actually made us laugh for the right reasons...
The Status Report is a collection of satirical poetry packed with parodies on everyday office life.’
‘Some of these poems are silly. Some are serious. I found the silly ones funny and the serious ones made me realise how much I loathe the self-important, conniving careerists I know.
I can’t say what these poems resemble because they are not like anything I’ve ever read before. Bite-
Tim Weekes, Amazon review
If you think poetry is just a load of pretentious bollocks, then this book may change your mind.
The Positive Review
If you think poetry is just a load of pretentious bollocks, then this book will confirm your suspicions.
Some of these poems are not funny.
Herein are funny poems, also black humour poems, maybe a few weird poems, not to mention humorous poems and of course satirical poems.
Mr O Ptimizer
Most poetry websites have poems by dead people. Alex Frankel is a poet who isn't dead yet, which is nice. If you want to get some understanding of modern poetry, then this or other poetry websites may not be the perfect place to start.
Mr O Ptimizer
A short poem by an anonymous poetry fan:
My conclusion from an afternoon
Spent browsing poetry websites
Is that poets are a bunch of
(usually dead) gob shites
A Prayer For Optimization
Oh, search engines,
Who art on the Internet,
Index my pages,
Which took me bloody ages,
To optimize, longer than it took
To write the satirical poems,
Not to mention the funny poems
Or the weird poems.
Or even the black humour ones.
Crawl my keywords
And mark them highly relevant,
Tag my poems ‘silly’
For this is what they are,
Simple verse designed
To make you go ‘Ha, Ha’
This website wasn’t born
To make my daily bread.
For that I’d write erotica instead.
So please don’t be suspicious
Of my intent, liberate my content
And follow hyperlinks from us
And from those who have
Reciprocally linked to us.
Consign us not to web anonymity
Nor force us to the marketeers
Who charge a fee.
Rank these silly, funny poems
Without bias or malevolance,
For thine is the keyword,
The browser and the relevance.
Unusually for modern poetry, the poems on these pages have been written in the English language using nouns, verbs, adverbs, conjunctions and various other complex grammatical devices.
Most of the poems were constructed from a sitting position (bed or sofa), but the pictures were drawn in upright stance at an upstairs window ledge, while humming a tune.
The Poet’s Philosophy
(and justification for long
periods of idleness):
Never write unless you feel like it.
Get a proper job in your spare time.
Here is a detailed breakdown of the poet’s illustrious literary career:
1863: The poet is not born in this year.
1911: Nor in this one.
1932: But one of his relatives is born in this year. Surely a sign.
1970: The poet poos a lot. Possible early rumblings of future literary success? Or just tummy rumblings?
1977: The poet does not perform at the Queen’s Silver Jubilee.
1982: Writes a poem at school about a fish and receives eight out of ten.
1983: Drinks a lot of Carlsberg special brew.
1946: Gets stuck in a time loop.
1983: Drinks a lot of Carlsberg special brew.
1996: The poet suffers a bout of diarrhoea and this mysteriously triggers his writing hand into motion. He writes Bowel Trouble, Bottom and a few slightly embarrassing self-analytical, angsty poems and some really dodgy ones about the weather because he has learnt at school that the purpose of poetry is to wax lyrically and unintelligibly about depression, the weather and trees.
1997: Enters a poetry competition for the first time and wins, after which the poet takes a vow never again to enter any form of literary competition for fear of ruining his 100% record.
1999: Buys a graphics tablet and draws some weird pictures to go with some of the weird poems. Just to pass the time really.
2000: Starts including pupportedly funny poems in office status reports. Colleagues are at a loss for words (unlike the poet), but no disciplinary action is taken.
2003: Stuck for ideas on what to buy family and friends for Christmas and birthday presents, it occurs to the poet that he has written just about enough lines to put together a slim volume of poetry.
2004: Gives the book to family and friends for Christmas and birthday.
2005: Gives signed copies of the book to family and friends for Christmas and birthday.
2006: While staying at the houses of family and friends, spirits away their copies of said poetry book, thus taking care of the present dilemma for another year.
2007: Having reached the pinnacle of poetic ambition, decides to stop writing poetry.
2014: The poet decides to write some poetry and also draw some pictures, even though he can’t draw. He finds that these days he enjoys drawing bad pictures more than writing the poems.
2015: Eats some tasty cheese.
2019: Inspired by not being dead yet, writes a few more poems, starts to make grand (literary) plans for the future, then promptly loses interest.
Link to Site:
All sorts of poetry related information
“Poetry Community” site
UK-centric poetry portal
|I am an E-mail Address|
All poems and drawings copyright Alex Frankel (Lex Frankly) 1999-2099 (approximately)