Bowel Trouble

The log rises from the toilet and looks right

I woke up in bed
With a brick in my head
And a pain in my arse
From a curry.
So clutching my seat,
I leapt to my feet
And ran to the loo
In a hurry.

I slopped it about
'Til it all had come out
And reached up to
Pull on the chain,
When out of the bog
Jumped a steaming brown log
The one I had
Only just lain.

‘Not even one word
You disgusting brown turd.
I don't want your
Trouble today.
Now get back in that loo
With the rest of my stew
And wait while I
Flush you away.’

But the log it just stood there
And gave me a cold stare.
It wouldn't go back
Down the drain.
‘I'll be on my way,
But first I must stay
And cause you
Considerable pain!’

I cried out in fear
As a clout on the ear
Left me doubled up
Over the bath.
Then he took out a spanner
And pins and a hammer
And said "Now then
Let's have a laugh!"

He tortured my ring
With sandpaper and string,
Ignoring my
Pitiful wails.
He cut up my rectum
Without an injection
And started to fill it
With nails.
He punctured my arse
With needles and glass
In spite of my
Terrible howls,
And said ‘Just remember,
I'll be there to get you
Whenever you're bad
To your bowels.’

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Poem Study Notes:

Viz-inspired toilet humour.

The poet has a feeling that he unknowingly stole the phrase 'I woke up in bed with a brick in my head', possibly from a song lyric.

That phrase was bouncing around in his head for a year or so, before the rest of the poem mysteriously poured out ... while in the toilet, obviously.

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