Bowel Trouble
I woke up in bed With a brick in my head And a pain in my arse From a curry. So clutching my seat, I leapt to my feet And ran to the loo In a hurry. I slopped it about 'Til it all had come out And reached up to Pull on the chain, When out of the bog Jumped a steaming brown log The one I had Only just lain. ‘Not even one word You disgusting brown turd. I don't want your Trouble today. Now get back in that loo With the rest of my stew And wait while I Flush you away.’ But the log it just stood there And gave me a cold stare. It wouldn't go back Down the drain. ‘I'll be on my way, But first I must stay And cause you Considerable pain!’ I cried out in fear As a clout on the ear Left me doubled up Over the bath. Then he took out a spanner And pins and a hammer And said "Now then Let's have a laugh!" He tortured my ring With sandpaper and string, Ignoring my Pitiful wails. He cut up my rectum Without an injection And started to fill it With nails. He punctured my arse With needles and glass In spite of my Terrible howls, And said ‘Just remember, I'll be there to get you Whenever you're bad To your bowels.’
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Poem Study Notes:Viz-inspired toilet humour. The poet has a feeling that he unknowingly stole the phrase 'I woke up in bed with a brick in my head', possibly from a song lyric. That phrase was bouncing around in his head for a year or so, before the rest of the poem mysteriously poured out ... while in the toilet, obviously.
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