Poetry last updated: 01 May 2016
|Ode to Immodium||The Poet’s Fear of Criticism|
|Kids are Cruel||The Doctor’s Sense of Humour|
|The Bogey on My Keyboard||Bowel Trouble|
|The Smug, The Sad and The Severe||False Diagnosis|
|The Danger of Ill-considered Birthday Presents||Posh Malcolm|
|McDonald’s Only Serve Sausage and Egg McMuffins Up Until Half Past Ten||Bottom|
|Why I Gamble||Elvis in Middle-Earth|
|Student is Disturbed at Midnight||Career Moves|
|City Gentleman Feels Sympathy for His Old Friend (1)||Garlic Kiss|
|City Gentleman Feels Sympathy for His Old Friend (2)||While Commuting By Car|
|Big Nose Congo Adventure||Gel|
|Organ Donor Highwayman||The Man at Work|
|No-one Wants to Know You When You’re Mad||Hangover on The Telephone|
|My Darling Won’t Have Her Fish Fingers||The Changing Face of Rebellion|
|BMI Battle (Cunning Ways to Lose Weight - Part 1)||Onion Bhaji Argy-Bargy|
|The Death of Derek the Desk Tidier||Cyclops in Art Shop|
|21st Century Grand Old Man Of Letters||The Smug Professional|
|A Narrow Escape in the Coffee Shop||When I was Racist|
|Grand Openings I: When McDonald's Invaded Russia||Meteorological Migraine|
|Grand Openings II: A Brush with Royalty|
Proper and Improper Poetry:
Funny, humorous, silly, satirical, black humour poems
by contemporary UK human being Alex Frankel. In many cases the poems are accompanied by childish pictures. The selection here is updated from time to time in accordance with the poet’s own mood, his interpretation of the current mood of humanity, to spur search engines into action or for no good reason.
'The Status Report', containing 49 mainly humorous poems and a few strange
pictures, was published some time back and is probably still available first or
second hand from Amazon (and their minions) or Abebooks.
But the environmentalists amongst us can just read it here (4MB pdf):
Once purchased, it is very important that the book is kept close to a toilet.
What People Have Said And Subsequently Denied That They Have Said About ‘The Status Report’:
|‘Local poetry which actually made us laugh for the right reasons... The Status Report is a collection of satirical poetry packed with parodies on everyday office life.’|
|'Some of these poems are silly. Some are serious. I found the silly ones funny and the serious ones made me realise how much I loathe the self-important, conniving careerists I know. I can’t say what these poems resemble because they were not like anything I’ve ever read before. Bite-sized chunks of straight or black humour, perhaps. You could finish these poems in a single afternoon, but it’s the sort of book you’ll keep coming back to.’|
Tim Weekes, Amazon review
If you think poetry is just a load of pretentious bollocks, then this book may change your mind.
The Positive Review
If you think poetry is just a load of pretentious bollocks, then this book will confirm your suspicions.
Some of these poems are not funny.
Herein are funny poems, also silly poems, not to mention humorous poems and of course satirical poems.
Mr O Ptimizer
|A Prayer For Optimization|
Oh, search engines,
Who art on the Internet,
Index my pages,
Which took me bloody ages,
To optimize, longer than it took
To write the humorous poems,
Not to mention the funny poems
Or the weird poems.
Crawl my keywords
And mark them highly relevant,
Tag my poems ‘silly’
For this is what they are,
Simple verse designed
To make you go ‘Ha, Ha’
This website wasn’t born
To make my daily bread.
For that I’d write erotica instead.
So please don’t be suspicious
Of my intent, liberate my content
And follow hyperlinks from us
And from those who have
Reciprocally linked to us.
Consign us not to web anonymity
Nor force us to the marketeers
Who charge a fee.
Rank these funny, silly poems
Without bias or malevolance,
For thine is the keyword,
The browser and the relevance.
|The poems on these pages have been written in the English language using nouns, verbs, adverbs, conjunctions and various other unusual grammatical devices.|
Most of the poems were constructed from a sitting position (bed or sofa), but the pictures were drawn in upright stance at an upstairs window ledge, while humming a tune.
The Poet’s Philosophy (and justification for long periods of idleness):
|Never write unless you feel like it.|
Get a proper job in your spare time.
The Poetic Timeline:
|Here is a detailed breakdown of the poet’s illustrious literary career:|
1863: The poet is not born in this year.|
1911: Nor in this one.
1932: But one of his relatives is born in this year. Surely a sign.
1970: The poet poos a lot. Possible early rumblings of future literary success? Or just tummy rumblings?
1977: The poet does not perform at the Queen’s Silver Jubilee.
1982: Writes a poem at school about a fish and receives eight out of ten.
1983: Drinks a lot of Carlsberg special brew.
1946: Gets stuck in a time loop.
1983: Drinks a lot of Carlsberg special brew.
1996: The poet suffers a bout of diarrhoea and this mysteriously triggers his writing hand into motion. He writes Bowel Trouble, Bottom and a few slightly embarrassing self-analytical, angsty poems and some really dodgy ones about the weather because he has learnt at school that the purpose of poetry is to wax lyrically and unintelligibly about depression, the weather and trees.
1997: Enters a poetry competition for the first time and wins, after which the poet takes a vow never again to enter any form of literary competition for fear of ruining his 100% record.
1999: Buys a graphics tablet and draws some weird pictures to go with some of the weird poems. Just to pass the time really.
2000: Starts including pupportedly funny poems in office status reports. Colleagues are at a loss for words (unlike the poet), but no disciplinary action is taken.
2003: Stuck for ideas on what to buy family and friends for Christmas and birthday presents, it occurs to the poet that he has written just about enough lines to put together a slim volume of poetry.
2004: Gives the book to family and friends for Christmas and birthday.
2005: Gives signed copies of the book to family and friends for Christmas and birthday.
2006: While staying at the houses of family and friends, spirits away their copies of said poetry book, thus taking care of the present dilemma for another year.
2007: Having reached the pinnacle of poetic ambition, decides to stop writing poetry.
2014: The poet decides to write some poetry and also draw some pictures, even though he can’t draw. He finds that these days he enjoys drawing bad pictures more than writing the poems.
2015: Eats some tasty cheese.
Link to Site:
All sorts of poetry related information
“Poetry Community” site
UK Arts Directory with blogs, event info etc.
|I am an E-mail Address|
All poems and drawings copyright Alex Frankel 1999-2099 (approximately)